The following jokes are ones that Elder Simonson includes in his weekly report to his Mission President. His joke supply may run dry before the end of his mission, so I’m sure he’d appreciate your input. Use the comments section to submit new jokes that I can forward to him…and please make sure they are mission appropriate!
COOKIN’
When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bacon (or bakin’) lettuce and tomato. (October 15, 2017)
IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KIND OF JOKE?
What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question and a joke? (October 8, 2017)
LATE CRETACEOUS PAYMENT
What does a dinosaur use to pay bills?
Tyrannosaurus checks. (October 1, 2017)
BA DUM TSSS
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says, “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line.”
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line. (September 26, 2017)
ALMOST COUNTED
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says, “Uno, dos…and then *poof*…he disappears without a tres! (September 17, 2017)
PLANNING AHEAD
I think I might have an open casket funeral.
Remains to be seen. (September 10, 2017)
FOCUS
I tried to take a photograph of some fog.
Mist (September 3, 2017)
EWE ARE NO HELP
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40” (August 27, 2017)
HARDWARE THAT GETS YOU IN TREBLE
What do you call a computer that sings?
Adell (August 20, 2017)
DEGREES OF DEBT
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you. (August 13, 2017)
SIGN OF THE TIMES
How do billboards talk?
~
~~
~~~
Sign language (August 6, 2017)
SOCIALIZATION
Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them. (July 30, 2017)
CRAY CRAY
Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, “You ever worry about that mad cow disease?”.
The other cow says, “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter!” (July 23, 2017 )
CHOOSE THE RIGHT…WORDS
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.
But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn’t say he had no children, because he couldn’t lie – we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right – the agent asked: “How many children do you have?” He answered: “Twelve.”
The agent asked” “Where are the others?”
The lawyer with his best courtroom sad look answered: “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”
He got the house. (July 18, 2017)
IT’S ALL IN THE NUMBERS
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a sedan. (July 9, 2017)
GETTIN’ SCHOOLED
What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for school?
Bison (July 2, 2017)
A MIGHTY CHANGE
Did you hear about the guy that left his Adderall in his Ford Fiesta.
Now it’s a Ford Focus. (June 25, 2017)
20/20 HUMOR
How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb?
Is it one or two? One… or two? (June 18, 2017)
STEP RIGHT UP
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. (June 11, 2017)
BLIND AMBITION
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. (June 4, 2017)
DIFFERENCES
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. (May 28, 2017)
CAPITAL IDEA!
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work. (May 21, 2017)
NOT AS DUMB AS HE LOOKS
A stupid guy dies and goes to Heaven.
The gatekeeper of Heaven says, “Heaven is getting too full, so you have to pass this quiz to get in. First question: which two days of the week begin with T?”
The guy replies, “That’s easy. Today and tomorrow.”
The gatekeeper says, “OK, I’ll give it to you. Second question: how many seconds are in a year?”
The stupid guy says, “Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd… .”
The gatekeeper says, “OK, OK, I’ll give it to you. Last question: what is God’s first name?”
The stupid guy replies, “Howard.”
The gatekeeper asks, “How on earth did you get Howard?”
The guy says, “It’s right there in the prayer: Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.” (May 14, 2017)
LEVELING THE FIELD
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonder and says: “How is the singing career going?”
Stevie Wonder replies: “Not too bad! How’s the golf?”
Woods replies: “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”
Stevie Wonder says: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger Woods says: “You play golf?”
Stevie Wonder says: “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”
Woods says: “But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?”
Wonder replies: “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”
“But, how do you putt?”, asks Woods.
“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”
Woods asks: “What’s your handicap?”
Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”
Wonder replies: “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”
Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?”
Stevie says, “Pick a night.” (April 30, 2017)
IT’S A SHAME!
Initial interview between a mission president and a new missionary:
President: “Can you get out of bed on time on your own?”
Missionary: “No, my mother always got me up.”
President: “Can you make your own bed?”
Missionary: “No, my mother always made it for me.”
President: “Can you cook your own meals?”
Missionary: “No, my mother always cooked for me.”
President: “Isn’t it a shame they sent you and not your mother on this mission?” (April 23, 2017)
SUSPENDED ANIMATION
There was a man named Cletus that lived in a small town with only one traffic light.
Cletus had saved up his money and bought a mo-ped.
One day Cletus was at the light waiting for it to turn green when a shiny new Corvette convertible pulled up next to him.
Cletus had never seen anything like this in his life.
The Corvette had its top down so Cletus leans over the side of the car and starts checking out the interior.
This annoys the driver of the vette so when the light turns green he steps on the gas, laying down rubber as he leaves the intersection.
He gets up to 60mph when suddenly Cletus flies by him on his mo-ped.
The driver of the vette says to himself “This clown wants to race”.
Shifting into 4th gear he steps on the gas again. He leaves Cletus in his dust as he gets up to 100mph.
Then out of nowhere he sees Cletus coming up fast in his rear view mirror.
He can’t believe it as Cletus flies by him again on his mo-ped. The driver of the vette shifts into 6th gear and floors it.
He passes Cletus and gets up to 150mph! Once again, Cletus passes him like he’s standing still.
Shocked, the driver of the vette pulls over to the side of the road. He hears gravel flying and brakes squalling as Cletus pulls up next to him.
The driver of the vette congratulates Cletus on winning the race and asks him what kind of an engine he has in his mo-ped.
Puzzled Cletus replied “Race? I was just trying to get my suspenders off of your side-view mirror.” (April 18, 2017)
PRACTICE IS HABIT FORMING
What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A sister-in-law. (April 9, 2017)
ENGLISH HUMOR
A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.
A nurse asks her what’s wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!”
The nurse shakes her head and says, “I’m sorry…I don’t understand.”
The pregnant woman’s face contorts in pain as she shouts, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
“Admit her,” the doctor said. “She’s having contractions.” (April 2, 2017)
IT’S AN ART
Why did God create economists?
To make weathermen look good. (March 26, 2017)
THE TRAFFIC STOP
An older lady gets pulled over for going 70mph in a 35mph zone…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please?!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was going 70 in a 35 too. (March 12, 2017)
GREAT CATCH
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?” He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, “You are the most charming woman I’ve ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.” (March 5, 2017)
ODDLY SIMILAR
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, “That’s odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.” So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said, “That’s odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.”
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what’s going on over there. They arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how they all returned as Christians.”
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, “That’s odd . . . ” (February 26, 2017)
THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN
An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’ s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
(February 19, 2017)
SCARED TO DEATH
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Midway airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”
The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.” (February 12, 2017)
PEARLY GATE QUIZ
A stupid guy dies and goes to heaven. The gatekeeper of Heaven says, “Heaven is getting too full, so you have to pass this quiz to get in. First question: which two days of the week begin with T?”
The guy replies, “That’s easy. Today and tomorrow.”
The gatekeeper says, “OK, I’ll give it to you. Second question: how many seconds are in a year?”
The stupid guy says, “Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd… .”
The gatekeeper says, “OK, OK, I’ll give it to you. Last question: what is God’s first name?”
The stupid guy replies, “Howard.”
The gatekeeper asks, “How on earth did you get Howard?”
The guy says, “It’s right there in the prayer: Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.” (February 5, 2017)
TRUTH BE TOLD
A preacher concludes his service by saying, “Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark.”
The following Sunday, the preacher says, “Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.”
Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.
The preacher continues, “You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark.” (January 29, 2017)
FORE!
Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they’re on the tenth hole. Moses hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green.
Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus’ ball hits the water and skips across. All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball drops from the sky. A fish swallows it, a bird picks up the fish and drops the ball onto a turtle, that walks over to the hole and drops it in.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, ”I hate it when your dad plays!” (January 22, 2017)
EVERYBODY KNOWS BUBBA
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone – anyone – and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”
Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.
“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Bubba.
“My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?” (January 15, 2017)
PERSPECTIVE
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.” (January 8, 2017)
HOLIDAY P(H)UN
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws
What did the sea say to Santa?
Nothing! It just waved! (January 1, 2017)
SNOWMAN HUMOR
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle! (December 18, 2016)
THE MAGICIAN
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
“Look, it’s not the same hat!”
“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up.
What’d you do with the boat?” (December 11, 2016)
FIRE!
There was a Texas oil tycoon who was watching his largest oil well going up in flames. He called in the best fire fighting equipment money could buy but there was no way they could get close enough to the intense flames to reach them with their water hose. Finally, out of desperation, he called the local volunteer fire department. They chugged up in their 1946 truck and passed every one of the state of the art rigs and headed toward the center of the fire. They stopped, jumped out, sprayed each other down with water, and then proceeded to put out the fire. When they were finally finished, the millionaire was so impressed with the crew’s dedication and bravery, he awarded the chief with a check for $10,000. Later, a reporter asked the chief what he was going to do with the money. The chief replied, “Well, the first thing we’re going to do is fix those lousy brakes!!” (December 4, 2016)
LAST RESPECTS
At a motivational seminar, three men are asked to come up to the stage.
They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…LOOK! HE’S MOVING!!” (November 27, 2016)
DOESN’T HURT TO ASK
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.” (November 20, 2016)
THANKS…FOR THE MEMORIES!
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.” Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?” (November 13, 2016)
IS THERE A….LAWYER IN THE HOUSE
A man was involved in an auto accident. A policeman ran up to the car and asked, “Are you seriously injured?”
The man said, “How should I know? I’m a doctor not a lawyer.” (November 6, 2016)
YOLK’S ON YOU
Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
It might crack up! (October 30, 2016)
GET THE SIGNAL
Why did the stoplight turn red?
You’d turn red too, if you were caught changing in the middle of the street! (October 25, 2016)
EXERCISE ROUTINE
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 87 years old, and we have no idea where the heck he is. (October 16, 2016)
MIXED UP
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog. (October 9, 2016)
A FATAL ERROR
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.” (October 2, 2016)
ADDITIONAL BLESSINGS
Sometimes the cooking in our apartment is so bad, I pray after the meal as well! (September 25, 2016)
LOOK INTO MY EYES
A cop pulled me over and said, “Your eyes are red…have you been drinking?”
I replied, “Your eyes look glazed…have you been eating donuts?”
We laughed and we laughed.
I need bail money. (September 18, 2016)
PERSONAL REFLECTIONS
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors; it’s something I could really see myself doing. (September 11, 2016)
LABOR DAY
Labor Day celebrates the contribution of workers to our economy. We celebrate it by not working. (September 4, 2016)
BE AFRAID…BE VERY AFRAID.
John worked behind the counter in a small medicine shop but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough mixture. Try as he might John could not find the cough mixture. Remembering Bob’s warning he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough mixture. I substituted laxative and told him to take it all at once,” John explained.
“Laxative won’t cure a cough!” Bob shouted angrily.
“Sure it will,” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.” (August 28, 2016)
KNOCK KNOCK
What do you get when you cross a Mormon missionary with an atheist?
Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason. (August 22, 2016)
LESSON LEARNED
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long, flowing, white robe with a long, flowing, white beard and long, flowing, white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W., struck by the man’s appearance, approached the man and asked, “Aren’t you Moses?”
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W., unaccustomed to being ignored, positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”
The man continued staring at the ceiling.
George W. then tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am.”
George W. asked him why he ignored him and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years wandering in the desert.” (August 14, 2016)
WWJD
A Mormon mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Owen, 5, and Bill, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw this as a great opportunity for a moral lesson.
“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'”
Attempting to follow his mother’s advice, Owen turned to this younger brother and said, “Bill, you be Jesus.” (August 7, 2016)
GOD IS WATCHING
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray, “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.” (July 31, 2016)
IT’S ALL RELATIVE
A little girl asked her mom, “How did humans appear?”
The mom said, “God made Adam and Eve and they had offspring.”
Later she asked her dad and he said, “Humans evolved from monkeys.”
The confused girl returned to ask her mom, “Mom, how is it possible that humans were created by God and Dad said they evolved from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well dear, I told you about my side of the family, and your dad told you about his.” (July 24, 2016)
TOP TEN
The top tens ways the Bible would have been different if written by college students:
10) Loaves and fishes replaced by pizza and chips
9) Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
8) Forbidden fruit would have been eaten only because it wasn’t dining hall food.
7) Paul’s letters to the Romans become Paul’s Snapchats to the Romans.
6) Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5) The place where the end of the world occurs isn’t the Plains of Armageddon, but finals.
4) Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3) Reason why Moses and followers wandered in the desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask for directions and look like a freshman.
2) Tower of Babel blamed for foreign language requirement.
1) Instead of creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, God would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter in hopes of no one noticing. (July 17, 2016)
FLAG ON THE PLAY
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about football. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between the select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”
“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the referees.” (July 12, 2016)
PREACHER AND THE TAXI DRIVER
A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. First comes the taxi driver – he was this guy who was dressed with a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses the guy,” So who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The man replied, “My name is Joe Harris, I’m a taxi driver, from Noo Yawk City.”
Saint Peter consults his list. “Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
“Wow, thank you!”, said the taxi driver
.
Next it was the pastor’s turn. He stands up straight and in his best preacher’s voice says, “My name is Henry Snow, and I’ve been the Pastor of St. Stephen’s for the past 43 years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. “Come with me”, said St. Peter to the preacher. St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the pastor. “Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.”
St. Peter replies, “You see, up here, we work by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”
DOGGED
A Bishop was an avid duck hunter, and was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the High Priests leader, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the Bishop asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded the High Priest leader. “He can’t swim.” (June 26, 2016)
MORE THINGS CHANGE, MORE THEY STAY THE SAME
Why did Moses wander for 40 years in the wilderness?
Even then, men wouldn’t ask for directions. (June 19, 2016)
PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK?
Why didn’t they play cards on the ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck. (June 12, 2016)
COURTING IN THE GARDEN
Did Adam ever have a date with Eve?
No. It was an apple. (May 29, 2016)
CREATION AND SCIENCE MEET
Black holes are where God divided by zero. (May 22, 2016)
RUNNING TO CONFESSION
A ward building was in need of painting, but there was no budget to buy paint and pay someone to paint it. The bishop asked a member of the ward who was a painting contractor if he would donate his labor towards the cause. The brother agreed – the paint was purchased and delivered to his home. As the contractor looked at all the paint and imagined the hours it would require for him to complete the church job, he was tempted. He thought to himself that if he thinned the paint some he would be able to have to some paint that he could use in his business which would reimburse him somewhat for all of his effort. He completed the job Saturday night and thought that all would be well as long as it didn’t rain before the paint dried. Alas, he woke up Sunday morning to pouring rain. He went to the meeting house and saw the bishop shaking his head as he watched the paint running from the building. The contractor was humbled and apologetic. The bishop accepted his confession and gave him this advice, “Repaint, repaint! And thin no more.” (May 15, 2016)
TO BEE, OR NOT TO BEE
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the ark hives (May 8, 2016)
ILLUMINATION
What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?
Floodlights (May 1, 2016)
BISHOP vs BABY
A Bishop was holding a leadership meeting. A baby in the nearby nursery was crying, making it difficult for the Bishop to conduct the meeting. He excused himself and left the room. After a couple of minutes he returned and continued the meeting – not a sound was heard from the baby. At the end of the meeting, one ward member asked him how he got the baby to be quiet. “Simple”, said the Bishop. “I ordained him a High Priest and he went right to sleep.” (April 25th, 2016)
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
So, a priest goes running into the Pope’s office. “Oh, Holy Father,” the priest says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“Well, tell me the good news first,” says the Pope.
“Holy Father, we just got a phone call reporting that Jesus has returned!”
“My son,” the Pope says, “with good news like that, how can there be any bad news?”
“The call came from Salt Lake City.” (April 19th, 2016)
PROFIT vs PROPHET
If you’re not LDS, you belong to a non-prophet organization. (April 10th, 2016)
TRAVEL TO HEAVEN
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s interest in health food. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite with Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed”, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You play for free.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet?” St. Peter asked. “This is heaven. It’s free!”
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly.
“That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your stupid bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago! (April 3rd, 2016)
BYU’s SEASON
Why didn’t the BYU football team have a good season?
Every time they earned 10 yards, they had to give one back for tithing. (March 28th, 2016)
VIAL OF POISON
Two LDS missionaries encountered two hecklers at a meeting.
One of the hecklers said, “Here’s a vial of poison. If you are really on the Lord’s work, drink this poison and He will protect you so you won’t die.”
“I’ve got a better idea,” said the senior companion, “Why don’t YOU drink it, and then we’ll raise you from the dead.” (March 21st, 2016)
SAVING GRACES OF 2ND NEPHI
During the Vietnam War, a group of soldiers were ambushed. Fire was exchanged and during it all, a young LDS soldier was hit in the chest. The others had no choice but to retreat, leaving their friend’s body in the tall grass.Later that night, back at the camp, they saw a figure moving towards them. One of the soldiers yelled out, “Who goes there?” Out of the shadows stumbled the LDS soldier. The group stood in disbelief, wanting to know how he survived.
The LDS soldier reached into his jacket and pulled out a pocket version Book of Mormon with a bullet lodged in it. Holding it high in the air he exclaimed, “Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets through Second Nephi!” (March 14th, 2016)
